The next couple of Lyrics Flashbacks are personal. So personal, I've been wondering whether or not to post them at all. They are what they are, and people will read them or they won't, but I have decided to post them to validate the way I was feeling at the time I wrote them.
Sometimes in life, things happen to us that maybe we don't deserve. Some people are inclined to confront those situations head on and stand up for themselves. Others will shrink down and let the situation overtake them. For me, it depends on the situation, but this particular time I wasn't in a place to be able to stand up for myself, for some time I guess it did overtake me, and then a few years later I found the words I needed to gain back my power.
I never did anything with these words, for fear of hurting peoples feelings, or having my words misunderstood, and if I'm honest, that's why I have been conflicted about posting them here. The truth of the situation is though, that these words are my truth. They explain a lot about me as a person, and make sense of why I am the way that I am.
This one never ended up with a title......but was written on the 10th of January 2006, five years after the event they were written about.
Flashback to the 3rd November, 2001. I was 19. This song was another one I tried writing away from my natural style. I'm quite mathematical even though I never particularly liked maths. I like things to be even, and symmetrical, so the most natural form of writing for me is measured rhyming. It's balanced, it's even, and it all wraps up neatly. For this song I was experimenting with intentionally making things NOT rhyme, it was a challenge for me, as even reading back over it now, it doesn't sit as well with me as something that follows a clever rhyme. It's not symmetrical and is uneven, something that aggravates my balanced way of thinking.
I wrote this song after a particularly lovely experience. To the other people involved, it probably wasn't even a blip on their radar, and they certainly wouldn't remember it now, but to me it was one of those times in life where you realise that you deserve better.
Reading through all my old Lyrics, working out which ones I'm comfortable posting and which ones I'm not, I came across this one.....the funniest part is that to read it, it reads quite serious and emotionally charged, which at the time I'm sure it was. It's who this song is about that makes it funny!!
This will be the first in a series of posts.
In my former life I used to sing. I used to sing LOUD and wildly, with unashamed passion. Singing was always an incredible release for me, nothing would have me at utter peace more, than turning the stereo up as loud as it would go and sing along with whatever was playing.
Sometimes It was show tunes, and I would imagine myself as Mama Rose in Gypsy or Fantine in Les Miserables. Other times it was Bette Midler. Through my early teens it was Alanis Morriset, and it seemed that every song was written with me in mind, I would wail and moan the lyrics as I wept and poured my heart out to an empty house, but always while I was alone.
Through my late teens it was Lauryn Hill, I loved how intelligent her lyrics were, and how utterly enveloping her voice is. I remember laying on the hardwood floor of my home, with a speaker pressed against each side of my head, listening to The Fugees self titled album, and then The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill over, and over, and over again, while I sang along, letting all my troubles pour over my vocal chords and out of my mouth.
Through my twenties it was the Divinyls. I would obsess over the way Chrissy Amphlett used her voice to tell a story, even without the lyrics you could understand the story, due to the light and shade and the wail of her voice. I practiced this meticulously, but still only when I was alone.
I had tried many times to sing in public, but it seemed that unless I was in a show and had a character to play, I just couldn't manage to sing to a crowd the way I could sing by myself. With time, age, and experience, I managed to move past whatever blocks were holding me back and sang with various bands all through my twenties and into my thirties.
I LOVED to be a rockstar!!! I loved to sing dirty rock balads of the 1980's, I loved shredding with my bandmates and the reaction of a crowd that loved the music we played together. I developed quite an onstage persona, that allowed me to wail in front of a crowd, the same way I could at home when no one was listening....I LOVED THAT GIRL!!!!
I also began to write lyrics. Writing lyrics for me was good for emptying my heart of worry and putting it away. I would write about lots of things; how I felt about someone, things that had had great impact on my life, things that bothered me, even relationships I had and how I felt about the dynamic of them. Writing lyrics gave me great relief, and it seemed that writing them was enough, I never had the desire for anyone to read them, or to further develop any of them into songs that I could sing. At the time they were private, just like my singing had been when I was young.
I haven't written for a long time, and most recently, I think its because I started this blog and it serves a similar purpose. I have decided however, to dig up some of those old lyrics and share them with you all as part of a series of blog posts, I hope to be able to share the stories behind them and maybe even the people that they are about? We'll see.......
Check back over the next couple of days for my first lyrics post......for now, here is some old footage of me doing what I love most xx