It's been quite some time since I blogged.
The truth is, life has been A LOT since my last post.
When I started this blog, my intention was to create cute content, share outfit inspiration, review my favourite brands and post handy how to's in regards to hair and make up. It was cute, it was kinda fun, but these days I need to unload.
I'm fairly positive to say that NO ONE reads this blog anymore, nor does anyone really follow the facebook page it's attached to, so I've decided to use this blog as a way to try to put down some of the shit I'm carrying........because it is heavy, and life is HARD and the truth is, I am not coping.
Almost 2 years ago, I made a decision to change my life for the better. I had been married for almost 8 years and things hadn't been working for a long time. I allowed myself for the first time in my life, to put my own needs first, and put the topic of a break up on the table in the hope of being able to really address the things not working in our relationship. I wanted him to fight for me. I wanted to know that the passion and commitment I felt for the relationship was reciprocated. I needed to see that the other half of this partnership was as dedicated as I was to making things work.
We had certainly had our fair share of struggle, but I believe in working shit out not running away, and hoped to be able to work together to come to a stronger, happier place.
I was firm in what I needed for that to happen though, and when it was clear that my needs were being refused, I walked away.
A relationship of almost 10 years ends, and I didn't even take one day off to cry about it. At the time I honestly didn't feel like I needed to, and on top of that, being self employed I didn't have the luxury of being able to. The home and lifestyle we shared together wasn't going to pay for itself, and after he decided to move out, the entire financial responsibility of our relationship was mine.
Fortunately, I was running a very successful business, all on my own and I had the means to look after myself financially. I had played along with the illusion that he took care of me financially because it was an insecurity of his, so when we split, common opinion was that he walked away and left me everything, but the truth was it was all mine. I had earned and paid for every single dollar of it. Further to that, when I say he left me everything, yes I had a rented house full of furniture and a car, but I also had the entire responsibility of paying off the debt that we shared. That house full of furniture and new car was all in my name and every single cent that had been put towards it was earned and paid for by me.
As much as the added financial burden was pressure, it was nothing in comparison to the freedom I felt being free of that relationship. I had done A LOT of work on the relationship I had with myself and was in the strongest place I had ever been. I was 35, single, with no children, but I was so excited for the future. I was excited to fall in love again, to FEEL loved, to live my life the way I wanted to live it without the weight of someone elses constant disapproval.
I continued to run my business and was kicking goals. Here I was affording a dual income lifestyle on a single income I was earning all by myself. I LOVED living alone, I LOVED how capable I felt. I LOVED every day.
Without warning, and without looking for it, I fell in love.
Love like I had never experienced before. Love so intense, that I felt like it was the first time because nothing I had experienced before then even came close to this feeling.
Little did I know at the time, that this love would go on to DESTROY me.
The next 18 months of my life bought me to where I am today. And today, I don't want to do it anymore. I am tired of the constant effort it takes to put one foot in front of the other. I am tired of the constant struggle it is to get out of bed every single day. I am tired of crying myself to sleep and I am tired of waking up sad. I am tired of pretending to be cheerful to make people less uncomfortable around me, and I am fucking tired of hearing that everything happens for a fucking reason!!!!!
This is not how this story was supposed to end. There is not someone better waiting just around the corner for me. I don't want anyone else!!! My heart is broken in the most irreparable way and I don't know how to keep going.
When I met the love of my life, it was confronting, It was confronting to feel so much for someone so quickly but because I was in such a strong independent capable place I just went with it. I knew that she wasn't at the same stage in life as I was and likely not ready for the things I was wanting to make a move on, so although I knew what I felt for her was more real than anything I'd ever experienced, I wasn't really forthcoming in making plans with her because I didn't want to be an unnecessary pressure for her. It put me in a shitty place though, because it gave me the opportunity to start putting her needs and her comfort as a priority over my own, and that was the beginning of a cycle that I found impossible to break. Once that dynamic between us had established itself, it just continued that way. Her insecurities and feelings were always a priority over mine and over time, that unbalance just chipped away at everything that made me great.
I wanted to constantly prove to her how important she was to me. She had a lot of insecurities surrounding our relationship, and although I was displaying no behaviors to spark them, I just wanted to make it better for her. I wanted her to not be afraid, I wanted her to know how much she meant to me, so I left everything behind and moved across the state to be with her. I left my home, my family, my friends, my life and I walked away from the business I had set up and successfully run for the last 10 years of my life. I left it all for love and I have not one single regret about that.
The cycle of really awful things occurring, and me making it ok continued, and as it continued I fell deeper and deeper and deeper in love with her, and unfortunately less and less and less in love with myself until finally I found myself in a place where I am now. A fucking doormat.
We promised each other everything. We sat at the top of a Ferris wheel and proclaimed our love for each other, we vowed in that moment at what seemed like the top of the world to never EVER give up on each other. We promised each other forever, happily ever after and to grow old together. We looked deep into each others eyes and made a promise to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to fix what was broken between us to be able to live the life we both deserve and the love that we both so clearly felt for one another. In that moment I BELIEVED! I believed that everything was going to be ok, I believed that all the hurdles along the way were all part of the road that led us to here. I could see our future, our happiness, I could see forever.
Less than two months later, she left.
And I don't know how to let go x